Tuesday, February 18, 2014
lingering sound of despair
Little by little my heart aches a bit more.
I've thought about the idea of writing a journal quite a lot. Like, I could keep it like a diary and always state how my mind is and everything but to be honest I don't think I'd keep up to it, I'm not a diary person nor a journal person. My blog is filled with such bitter melancholy and so many sad moments I can't even bare to read all of my posts at once because it fires back everytime. But on the other hand I really enjoy blogging and I wanna keep it up. Bringing my cam with me wherever I go as well as my sketchbook (which is already a part of my bag or rucksack) I don't know why but I feel the need to capture pretty moments because my mind isn't that trustworthy anymore, like I sometimes can't decide whats right and wrong and if I'm mistaken or if its alright for me to feel this and that way...
Its so hard to go through therapy and question everything you and other people around you do...it helps but its hard work and if you can't move on a certain problem and you just fall back a whole lot...
Its normal to have downs and all that jazz but it annoys me...no rather it frustrates me. It blocks everything...personal life and my relationship and it sucks. I don't enjoy being myself a lot. Maybe thats why I have the need to fill my life with a bit of joy and that stuff and I don't know if its a good idea to share that all on this rather old blog because I feel the need to cut everything and just start new and fresh and clean...
But on the other hand this blog is really dear to me for some reason I can't explain. What to do ?
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
warst du nie unten ?
Have you ever felt so out of place that you even wonder how you could interact with people on a daily basis ?
I mean I'm fine with talking to people, like its not a bother to me right now and I can handle my anxiety quite good, but remembering what I've lost the past few months I feel so lost. I'm just floating in this ocean of despair and hate.
I've given up on fighting for things that are dear to me since I couldn't find my standarts in other people, which is totally normal...I guess you shouldn't use your standarts on another person since they experience things in a different way...but still its so fucking idiotic.
I know that I'm feeling utterly lonely and I wanna stab myself for wondering if I ever find someone again whose able to treat me well without forcing me for anything which was quite a thing in the past but whatever. I'm done with it pretty much.
Nobody ever fucking notices what I am doing until I stop doing so and then its always utter bullshit because of me. I haven't had some drugs in any kind of sort for such a long long time and I'm feeling so numb.
And its not a fucking matter of understanding someone, its just about being there. I don't get this whole ridiculous situation I'm in anymore.
just fuck it. I've had enough already. let me be.
Monday, November 5, 2012
please. . .
I've had enough of all this pain.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
I don't feel really well. I read a whole book today just because I wanted to distract myself from thinking. I'm not working well. My mind is just such a mess. How hard is it to fucking get it together ?
I should go to school tomorrow, I know, but I don't know if I can deal with it. . .and that kills me. I feel so fucking weak and helpless. I can't deal with life right now and thats so fucked up. I WANT to work. I WANT to go to school, but the fact of getting up and meeting people and talk to them tears me apart. My heart aches so much in my chest and it feels like I'll suffer a heart attack every now and then soon. Its not like I'm going to sit at home and stuff I know that I'll have to go to see my doctor to get my medical certificate and stuff but that feels so much better then facing people. I haven't slept more then 4 hours this weekend because my mind went on talking about shit. And apart from my mind I kept feeling cold and alone. I'm shaking and I'm feeling sick due to my angst. Its such a horrible feeling. I know that I could have it worse but...ugh I feel so fucking stupid. I can't do such a simple thing.
I wanna be normal.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Pictures in the dark
I miss the old times.
When I was young and spent days at my fathers home without feeling any anger or regret towards him.
When we were sitting on the couche, listening to Mike Oldfield on his dolby surround system or just enjoying the sound of the record player.
But now its all gone. GONE. Because I've grown up and realizied what my father had done wrong to me and my mother.
I really wish it wasn't like that. I don't mind my parents being seperate anymore, but I wish I had a better connection to him. But there's just too much that happened I suppose. . .