I hear them calling out to me,
This winter kiss has left me poisoned
Left me here
And I will never be the same again
Its just a little calming while I hear some thunder nearby.
It freaks me out somehow.
I feel lost. . .
いのち が だいきらい。。。
自殺したい。 （ ´∀｀）
This isn't only my head anymore. I'm feeling sick. My immune sytsem is down to a pretty low level and I can't do anything about it.
I'm just so tortured my these horrible thoughts in my mind. And even if there's nothing on I still can't sleep because I'm feeling so freakin lonely. Yesterday night I watched the sun rise and it was such a scary moment because the moment I realized I didn't get any sleep again is just unbearable. But I can't help it though.
All I do is lay in bed and watch TV til sun rises because otherwise I'll go mad because of all the horrific things-
Its such a vicious circle.
Yet everyone around me complaining about having not enough sleep makes me jealous because I'm just like. . .yeah . . .poor you then.
Ugh that makes me feel so horrible because I'm such a egoist.
My doctor won't help me with that and I have to wait til we move to get a new doctor.
儚いコエのイノチごと 掻き消して スベテ
I feel fragile and lost.
I don't feel happy and I feel so alone.
Like I don't even belong here, like people moved on without me and I'm just a burden.
At least thats how I feel. Thats the feeling I get from people that are close to me.
I'm a useless waste of space.
I've lost who I am, who I was, who I'm supposed.
I look down my body and all I see is a failure that I can't identify myself with.
Yet everytime I try to talk about it (because people told me to) I get closer to the edge because in the end noone understands and lets me down.
There you have it.
For weeks now I'm home alone roaming through rooms in my mind that won't get any happier. I feel left alone. Noone is taking notice of me unless I'm the one reaching out shouting.
I never hear ANY apologies. I only hear myself screaming that I'm sorry because otherwise I'll lose anything that is dear to me. I never hear anyone missing me or thinking of me. I'm just a ghost that clings to other people.
But its not about what's good for you right ? It's about what you need.
And if thats a broken tragedy ending ? Then its that.
Although its sad that you waste so much energy in everything. In thinking it over and over again to see your mistake because everyone else is acting like they're not the one to blame, and you sadly believe em.
left alone waiting. here I am.
I'll just swallow my argues and live with a smile.
Maybe like this I'm the only one suffering but everyone around me will like me and be happy ?
Just like the pathetic thing I really am.
Dein Lachen ist ein Schwert
Es drang tief in mein Leben
und bracht es zum erbeben
Doch auch wenn es mich verzerrt
Zieh die Klinge noch nicht raus
Denn den Schmerz, den es entfacht
Den übersteh ich keine Nacht
4th. . .
4th time. . .
I'm such a huge fuck up.
I have a dull feeling of myself.
I'm afraid. I'm scared of my own thoughts. They keep me awake at night at tortue me through the day. Thinking about going to hospital on your free will sounds really fucked up. . .
Ever since I woke up I couldn't stop crying because my own misery is so obvious.
I feel so ashamed of myself.
I just can't stand myself anymore. How can anyone around me handle me ?
Someone some days ago said "you can only be loved if you love yourself"
. . .so noone is ever going to love me. I hate myself so much. I never had more hate towards another person then myself.
I feel so emberassed when I look on my arm. I'm such a pitiful sight.
Blasse Narben vom letzten Tag
Lange her doch noch täglich da
Keine Heilung die wirkt
der Schmerz pocht
ich hoff’, dass es mit der Zeit besser wird
Diese Welt zieht an mir vorbei
Viel zu schnell als das ich begreif
Wie es weiter gehen könnte
Ich finde kein Ende
Und frag mich ob du das weißt
Keiner merkt es wenn ich heut Nacht untergeh
Kaltes Wasser, das mich in die Stille zieht
Niemand da wenn die Ewigkeit mich umgibt
Narben verblassen nie
I'm not that strong right now and still there are more and more problems appearing.
I feel like such a loser.
I hate my life so much right now
What is Happiness ?
Everyone seems to get angry at me for the funniest reasons.
What am I to you ? Fragile ? Failure ? Useless ?
I feel like I'm noone.
not a fucking human being !!
Why should anyone care about me anyway. Right.
Everyone is lying to me and telling me shit.
I'm dragged from one edge to another
And as I hit rock bottom I couldn't even struggle or scream.
"It'll be ok soon"
Don't fucking lie to me ! You haven't got the slightest clue what it feels like !
I mean what am I too my fucking family ? I'm not a stray dog ! I'm a human being, more or less.
Why is there just so much bullshit going on ? Its just too hard to handle at once.
On my own.
I'm left alone in this darkness.
I'm suffering ! I'm hurt! I'm not fucking OKAY !!!
But all I can do is cry. Cry like a little child.
I'm really torn between going on and just ending it all.
I'm never good enough !
I'm always second choice.
But I can understand that I don't like myself either. I hate myself so much.
And everyone is telling me anyway what I'm not capable of and how mean I am.
Maybe I deserve all this ?
I'm such a freakin idiot. Such a failure.
At least thats what people around me make me feel like.
A fucking no one.
I'm such a huge fuck up.
I'm an emotional bag of shit.
I want to scratch my skin open. I feel so utterly disgusting
Sometimes the pain's too strong to bare...and life gets so hard you just don't care. You feel so alone you just sit and cry...every second you wish you could die. Then you start thinking who would care...if one day they woke up-and you weren't there.
Langsam tröpfelte es, doch ich schütz mich nicht, ich
lauf weiter es bedrückt mich nichts
mein Kopf ist frei und leer
kein Zweifel mehr
meine Vergangenheit ist ein Scheißdreck wert