Sunday, October 21, 2012
Bug Eyes
I don't feel really well. I read a whole book today just because I wanted to distract myself from thinking. I'm not working well. My mind is just such a mess. How hard is it to fucking get it together ?
I should go to school tomorrow, I know, but I don't know if I can deal with it. . .and that kills me. I feel so fucking weak and helpless. I can't deal with life right now and thats so fucked up. I WANT to work. I WANT to go to school, but the fact of getting up and meeting people and talk to them tears me apart. My heart aches so much in my chest and it feels like I'll suffer a heart attack every now and then soon. Its not like I'm going to sit at home and stuff I know that I'll have to go to see my doctor to get my medical certificate and stuff but that feels so much better then facing people. I haven't slept more then 4 hours this weekend because my mind went on talking about shit. And apart from my mind I kept feeling cold and alone. I'm shaking and I'm feeling sick due to my angst. Its such a horrible feeling. I know that I could have it worse but...ugh I feel so fucking stupid. I can't do such a simple thing.
I wanna be normal.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Pictures in the dark
I miss the old times.
When I was young and spent days at my fathers home without feeling any anger or regret towards him.
When we were sitting on the couche, listening to Mike Oldfield on his dolby surround system or just enjoying the sound of the record player.
But now its all gone. GONE. Because I've grown up and realizied what my father had done wrong to me and my mother.
I really wish it wasn't like that. I don't mind my parents being seperate anymore, but I wish I had a better connection to him. But there's just too much that happened I suppose. . .
Sunday, October 7, 2012
リセット
Yes, its time for another useless and senseless blog entry.
I just have so many things to deal with that I feel like I'm standing closer to the edge each day.
I just have so many things to deal with that I feel like I'm standing closer to the edge each day.
Although I'm quite busy with school, its not enough to distract me.
I mean, school, then coming home into an empty flat with my two hungry cats and thats it.
A bit of homework, bit of cleaning.
I just have to much time to think.
And the answer is always something bad.
I don't believe in something higher anymore. That I'm worth something more then this.
I'm just feeling so fucking useless, everything I do is wrong.
At least thats what most people tell me-
Obviously I have a few people that keep me motivated, thank god.
I don't wanna collapse again. That was the worst feeling.
Well but I talked to a certain person, and maybe that'll change somethig. ( I won't tell you right now because I'm afraid I'll fail and I don't want anyone to laugh at me, again)
I'm sorry for not updating regulary, but I'm surely too bad with words right now.
I just have so many things on my mind but when it comes to put them into words and write them down its just gone.
Not that I wanted to write it down though...I had so many problems with that lately.
That some people took my words twisted them and told them a third person, that wasn't too fancy to be honest with you.
Lately, I'm always sleeping again. Or well "sleeping". I'm so exhausted from daily life that I collapse into bed at about 9 pm. But as soon as I go to bed I have those fucked up nightmares, which I can't escape, I'm always waking up shaking.
And to give it all a crown, my family is gone for another week, two weeks straight I was alone at home. It was somehow fine with me in the old flat, but the new one just creeps me the fuck out, its just all so...open ?! And with my cats scratching in every single door when they're having their 5 minutes, its no good. But well, I haven't made up something with anyone since my vacation, too bad isn't it ?
When I'm not keeping up with people because I'm feeling down its no good, but when I'm searching for a talk noone is there either, sure I don't have the right to ask for such things in their opinion but isn't that totally wrong for a relationship in any way ?
I mean, why would you toss someone away that wanted some help, if they are your friends or if they are important to you ?
But well maybe my way of thinking about it is too fucked up for human kind.
maybe I'm living in oh so strange atmospheres that noone gets me.
But thats some bullshit I tried to talk myself into, because aparantely there are a few people which understand me quite well.
So why the fuck do I still rely on those people ?
I don't fucking now. Maybe because everything that was dear to me was taken away ?
I don't fucking now. Maybe because everything that was dear to me was taken away ?
And maybe I'm just holding close what has some kind of meaning to me ?
I wish I could just toss it all in the bin and move along, but I guess that just too easy, right ?
But how can you fight, if there's nothing left to fight for ?
How can you rescue something, that doesn't want to get rescued ?
How can you safe someone that is struggeling against that ?
I just don't know what to do anymore...its just all a big hot mess and everyone seems to blame me for that.
Congratulations, you made me fall.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
cry
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