Monday, January 2, 2012
I wondered how long I've been hiding my feelings towards you. My feelings that kept me foolish by your side. Those feeling I despised so much. I've been trapped for so long in that sad paradise.
I know my life isn't anywhere near perfect. I know my life is a dark place, but without you I'll finally be able to bloom so crimson flowers in my world.
Something that can live inside of me. Something that'll might gather up some hope.
All this time. All this fucking time I protected you with my guard down. I couldn't see, that the one who needed protection was myself. foolish me.
I don't know how I should call that feeling in me now.
Freedom ? Assurance ?
I'm finally feeling detached.
You're no longer the hole in my head.
You're no longer the space in my bed.
You're just the silence in between.
That time you opened my eyes. That was the best present you could make me.
I thought you totally ruined my birthday by saying that but in fact you helped me.
Those words I said weren't uncontrolled towards you. They were perfectly fine.
I just hadn't realized it by then.
You're no fucking man. You're just a mannequin.
It was nice with you. But it wasn't love.
I liked you.
I know it'll be hard. Letting go.
It would be so much easier if I wouldn't see you every day, but thats fine.
I'll move on.
I know I don't have to depend on you. Nor on your silly behaviour.
I've told you so many things. So many personal stuff.
But you ? You never helped me. And I was too blind to see that.
You said you'd be there for me. But you never were. . .And I was too fucking blind to see that.
You came into my life just like a virus.
And what do you do with a virus ?
Take pills, to forget the pain. To erase the virus. But it wouldn't help.
I was only drugged and numb.
I greeted a virus like some friend.
I wasn't fine.
I just want to forget. Forget. Forget. Forget.
Oh and how sick I am of your words full of lust.
God how I hated it. I'm not some fucking doll or meat or prostitute you can jerk off to.
I have FEELINGS.
And telling me that you wanted to hook up wasn't really helpful.
This is so disgusting.
I feel so dirty.
Even though I told you about my phobias you said it.
Ugh. I feel so ashamed for that.
I'm sick and tired of getting leveled down to my body. God.
I know I'm not that ugly. alright.
BUT fuck it ! I hate myself so much.
Because some bastards intend to fuck me and tell me how "hot" I am.
you know that this is not something decent to say to someone whose hating his self.
Just like in my childhood.
But thats a different story.
I'm just relieved that I finally found peace with that topic.
Please be good to me 2012.